
This is one of those long-winding posts where the narrator takes stock of her life and comes to some conclusion that you may or may not feel is worth your time reading.
Quick note: Rory was on the Discovery Channel on Wednesday. You can only watch the clip in Canada. Or on Rory's laptop.
Also, I am re-reading One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez for the fifth time, I believe.
I doubt you've noticed (its okay!), but I have not been making updates very regularly. I've neglected my ETSY shop, abandoned eBay, feigned only the necessary interest on Half.com, and have been all but silent on other social networking nonsense sites.
The past two weeks I have stopped worrying about all the stuff I have going on, and focused on forcing myself to go to the gym. Oh, how hard this was. I have so many hobbies and interests that beg my time, and, now that the weather is so nice, so many social engagements to turn down. I want nothing more than to run screaming from the building where I work, into the wilds of Central Park, simply because it is the nearest patch of green that I can think of right now.
When I had time off for winter break (earlier in the year, when I worked for Bard College), I forced myself to the gym all week long as an experiment. I was exhausted, but that was okay, because I had a week off from work.
I ended up being the most creative and productive I have EVER been in my life. It was amazing. The results are too convincing for me to fool myself any longer: I have to stick to a healthy routine in order to have extra energy to do all the sewing, uploading, photographing, drawing, creating, and writing that I kick myself for not doing because I am exhausted from my job.
So, I did it. I slid my size nine sneakers with the toes worn through over some new cushy athletic socks, and made my feet walk to the front door of the gym a few days in a row last week. I started packing my gym clothes and carrying them with me on my long commute uptown so I could just swing by on my short walk home from the PATH station. This week I did the same thing.
What's happened is that I stopped feeling guilty about "not getting anything done", and I got something accomplished. I have a lot more energy this week, and I am even feeling ever so slightly athletic. This may sound strange, but when I see my reflection in a mirror, I am surprised that I am not as thin as I feel, as opposed to feeling the weight of my body on my bones. This is really cool. This would never have happened had I continued coming home and fussing over fabric, photographs, and food for dinner. Yet, despite the extra time spent out of the house, I have met up with friends, done laundry after work (normally a too-exhausting endeavor), kept the apartment decently organized, fixed my sewing machine, traveled for Rory's birthday, walked to another neighborhood for dinner, and bought a few Spring pieces in a smaller size that did not come from the Plus Sized section of the store. I feel like Wonder Woman.
I have also realized that this whole thing is just a mental battle: making time to do things you love takes some sacrifice that includes taking care of yourself. The fact is, like nearly everybody else I know, I have to hold a full-time job right now, and, though I would love to stay home, folding the corners of domestic life in photograph and verse, or ironing everything out neatly and stitching it up into pretty little pockets, my love affair with fabrics, photography, and art needs to come in second place to getting myself to work in the right mindset, and, now, working out. Even as I type that, I am groaning inwardly, but its just something I need to do.
In the past I have been guilty of being placated by the things that others have created, and not pushing myself hard enough to create these things on my own. For years I have hated the idea that I am not fulfilling my potential, or that I am consuming more than I am creating. I was perfectly happy to obsessively play lots of video games, sit at my computer for hours a day, and then I would lament that I was not happy with the way things were going for me. I saw these things as a distraction from the misery of work.
Lately, things have started to pay off, literally. Just last month I received the title for my car in the mail, signifying the end of a five-year process of shelling out hard earned cash to General Motors. Next, one of my credit card balances became zero, and I thought to myself, "Oh, right. I have been working this hard to pay stuff off! I totally forgot it would be done with at some point!" I still have farther to go (especially since I screwed up my taxes last year and really paid for it recently), but I am starting to feel a tiny bit free of financial burden. I am starting to stretch my legs and feel like I can create more, and put myself out there again, instead of hiding from the world. I even get this sense as I read magazines that satisfy my design palette: why am I wasting my time reading this? I should be doing this.
I feel like everything is changing, probably since the start of this year. I am constantly fighting, and slowly winning the create versus consume battle. With that, comes the tearing away of the things I don't need, and the refining of my tastes for the things I want.
I do wish that working out wasn't so much hard work. I'd love to just pop in once a week and not have to get all sweaty and angry and uncomfortable, but that's just not the way it goes. No one is going to just suddenly appear and give me what I want in life. I've known that for a long time, but I sort of pitied myself for it. I can't do that anymore; I have to set deadlines for everything I want to accomplish, and I need to take care of my body so I can follow through on them. It seems backwards, but the harder I exhaust myself in the gym, the more amazing I feel outside of the gym when its important to be awake, alert, and productive. Go figure. It works!
I am taking a driving trip this weekend up to New Hampshire with Rory's mom. I think that when I get back, I'll be able to start to edge myself back into creative projects and keep up the gym routine at the same time. I am not someone who likes to have all of their free time structured into different areas, but maybe I can figure something out while I keep moving forward!
Cease, cows. Life is short.
Thanks for continuing to read my blog, and I'd love to hear your own strategies and revelations in how to balance what you want to do versus what you need to do.